Step 1: Cut a hole in a box
Ok, Ok…not that Dick in a Box. (Actually can I even use that in the title? Is it appropriate? Will I be banned from posting? Screw it, better to ask forgiveness than permission)
The first part of the title comes from the Q being a dick. You see, todays workout was supposed to be easy. No running. A workout designed for Twitch weeks ago, but he didn’t show up the day I rolled it out, so today was supposed to be a re-do.
But I couldn’t sleep. At 4:00AM I gave up trying and got ready for the workout…too much time on my hands. Can’t run to the AO…need my mobile workout station (i.e. the Prius. Is it the only Prius in the world with an F3 sticker? Full of bricks and buckets?). I’ll go get coffee. Even worse now I am caffeinated and am killing time before the PAX show up. Too much time on my hands. I do merkins. Still too much time. Audible time. They start showing up. Crap, where’s Twitch??? Not again. 5:30!? No Twitch. Oh, there’s his swagger wagon racing over the bridge. Phew.
When they finally show up I skip the warm up (I mean I have been up for hours and walking around in circles for over an hour now). We start with a “Roxanne”. A burpee everytime they hear the name Roxanne. Good, not many of the PAX have done this before. They seem bored at first…they don’t know whats coming….it ends with each PAX sprinting through burpees to keep up. Cruel. I am pretty sure most of these guys were still in bed 10 minutes ago. I am a dick.
We moseyed over to the parking deck. I had a full (normal) warm up planned. Whats the point now? Everyone is already dripping in sweat. Its 78 degress already. WTF. So we start the warm-up. Side straddle Hops IC. We pass 25, oops meant for us to stop. We pass 50, no point in stopping now. There goes 75. PAX don’t look happy. 80 someone just walked away. Oh he is back now. 90. Still going. Finally I stop them at 99. I’m a dick not an a-hole. Only an a-hole would make them do 100.
We grab bricks from the back of the Prius and mosey over to the “box” (the elevator) and take a free ride to the 6th floor. We exit and circle up again. We are going to repeat “The Beastie” (see previous backblast – it’s a set of terrible workout to Beastie Boys songs). First exercise is to “Alive” – 20 squats, then 20 squat-jacks, and keep repeating. My f-ing speaker isn’t working. What the hell. It just worked in the parking lot. I have my gloves on (which are supposed to work with touch screens) but my gloved sausage fingers are too fat to hit the right buttons. Useless Q. Everyone working out.No music. Q dicking around with his phone. Insert PAX snarky comments here. Screw it no speaker. Pissed. Audible to skip some of the easier parts of the workout because of the snarky comments. 35 minutes of torture. Done. No time for Mary. Circle up. Names, etc.
Its hot. Everyone dripping with sweat. Commodore left a lake on the parking deck. Is he OK? Should we bring him water? Everyone decides we took a free ride up, we should take a free ride down. Let it be known now (if it wasn’t before) F3 shouldn’t take elevators.
9 PAX entered the “box”. Steamy and sweaty. Stinky. I joke I’ll wait for the next elevator (should have done it). All aboard. Door closes. Ground floor please. Elevator shakes then stops moving. None of the buttons work. Its 6:20 and really hot in this small space. Are you kidding me!! 9 PAX stuck in a box. No air. No water. The elevator tells us it’s a minor technical problem. We disagree. Commodore’s producing another lake. He’s lost 30 pounds from sweating already today. Cake hits the call button. Help is on the way. 15 minutes, still no help. I text a colleague at work. He calls for more help (maybe this was actually the first call for help).
6:50 9 PAX still in the box. Puffs gives a disclaimer that Rexnord Industry does not supply parts to this elevator. Sure. Cake recounts the movie “Alive” and discusses which morsels of flesh he will be eating as we die from heat exhaustion…note to self, watch out for this guy. We use the call button to request help again. “Oh your still stuck in there?” YES we are!! Get us out.
6:55…Double Humpee finally realizes he doesn’t have to hold the bricks anymore and puts them down. Way to go hero. Help finally arrives. They try to open the door. Nothing. Try again. Nothing. Cake points out the more they try and fail, the worse our situation. Thanks dude, a carnivoristic pessimist…just what you need in a hot, cramped elevator. Someone must have unplugged the elevator and reset it. It reboots and goes through a serious of voice commands. It goes through the floors. Wait it passed 6. Its up to 60. There’s only 6 floors here. Now its going through letters. WTF. Oh, I feel better its reassuring us that this is just a minor technical issue. I feel better.
Door opens. Finally. Free. 7:05. Fresh air feels so good. We take the stairs down this time. Even the stairwell feels cool. The stairwell never feels cool.
F3 PAX will never take the elevator again…..